The Final Solution

I know that Dario has blogged his arse off about skobies, the new track-suited, Buckfast-fuelled underclass of Ireland. We have a similar problem in West Belfast, with the 'Smickers' as we call them, infesting the place like rats every night of the week with boxes and bags of drink and the subsequent madness that ensues.

So I was interested in this story in the local Andersonstown News on Monday. A reporter and a photographer toured the West last Friday night, and their findings make pretty interesting reading.

Now I am not against drinking. I like a drink myself, and a toke from time to time as you know. But I do everything in moderation, because my job's headmelting enough without having to roll in with an Oliver Reed-size hangover at 9am. Most importantly, I don't impose on other people's rights or freedoms when I do sup a Magners. But the explosion in people in their mid-teens to early thirties drinking on the streets, in all seasons, in this city is fucking crazy. Not everybody does it... but the ones that do are easily identifiable.

* Short hair with a gelled-down fringe (baseball cap optional)
* Thin strip of hair above the lip commonly known as a 'cider-tache'
* Tracksuit, usually Adidas or Kappa
* Gold chunky chain that Del Boy Trotter would be mighty proud of
* Trainers, white, must be of no lesser a brand than Nike or the aforementioned Adidas - otherwise you'll get 'battled'.

Does that sound familar? The men don't look any prettier either.

They stand on main roads, outside taxi depots and chippies until all hours of the morning swigging their cider and tart fuel (WKD - Woman's Kind of Drink), smashing their bottles, leaving their illiterate scrawl everywhere, damaging people's property... so it begs the question - where the fuck do they get the money from? It wouldn't be from the taxes of the very people they are tormenting, would it?

Many people have tried to come up with solutions, and have failed. I think I have the answer... if any of them are prosecuted for any misdemeanour whatsoever, stop their benefits. Cut the flow of the dough, and it will make them think twice about making the lives of the people whom they live amongst a misery. I know it's probably against the Human Rights Act, European Law, blah, blah, but it's much more humane than my first choice of solution, which is to round them up and, while still alive, take out their hearts and kidneys for transplant victims.

Know Nothings

Why does every St. Patrick's Day bring the absolute dregs of society out into the open?

I went out for a walk on St. Patrick's morning at around 11am. In a wooded area near where I live there were 15 young scumbags congregated, armed with bags of drink. At 11am. Each one had a Celtic top on and one or two had draped the national flag around their shoulders. They were noisy, shouting at the top of their voices to the wanker standing next to them, and smashing their empty bottles on the pavement.

Some display of Irishness. If I had asked them who the Taoiseach is, or what is the county town of Clare, their eyes would have have bulged, and then their heads would have exploded. They know nothing of their country's history or culture, or even of St. Patrick himself - no, they show celebrate Ireland's national holiday by dressing in the shirt of a British football team and wearing the national flag, of which they know nothing of it's meaning.

Let's round them up and chainsaw them to death. It's the only way.

Die, you fuckers

For those who don't know what an 'ASBO' is, it's an Anti Social Behavioural Order. Far from being a deterrent, it is worn as a badge of honour by scumbags such as those pictured. My own deterrent would consist of a 9mm to the back of the head. It is a proven fact that 100% of those who receive capital punishment don't re-offend.



...and I would shoot this wee cunt first.

Wishing... and hoping...

We all have desires in life.

• I would like to be seriously minted.


• I would like to decapitate Willie Frazer for being an annoying wee cunt.


• I would like to give those who count 'The Fast and the Furious', 50 Cent and Kappa 'clothing' among their cultural influences, a round in the back of the head.


• I would like to hear the sound of my balls slapping off Gráinne Seoige's arse.

What's on your wishlist?