While I was away..

No, I wasn't kidnapped by rock n'roll lovin' aliens, I've been very busy watching all the election results and laughing really hard at Rainbow George getting more votes than Bob McCartney. If there's anyone that fully deserves to have a rusty pole shoved up his bangle until his eyes bulge, it's McCartney. Equally delighted to see that Anna Lo cleaned up in South Belfast, especially at the expense of the DUP.

So what's happens now? Will we get our government? I think we will. Big Ian's looking towards his own legacy, same as Blair, and he will want to be Big Chief Dirty Bum of this place before he croaks it, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. He's got the green light from his electorate to do it (to do a deal with the Chucks, not croak it).

I was kinda hoping, just for a laugh, that the Shinners would have came out with the most seats. That would have really set the cat among the pigeons to see Art Garfunkel as First Minister. The look on Nigel Dodds face would be priceless!

Other than that, I've been trying to kill Phil Collins in GTA Vice City Stories. An honourable pastime I'm sure you'll agree.

Our Oriental Friends

I like Chinese people. I like them because they're pleasant, hard-working sods who are the fourth emergency service the length and breadth of Ireland (Phone Numbers: Fire/Ambulance/Police/Local Chinkers) and despite the odd internal Triad decapitation execution job, they cause no bother. So I was pleased to see that a Chinese woman, Anna Lo, is fighting the Assembly election for the Alliance Party in South Belfast. She should take a leaf out of Gerry's book and get her supporters to vote early and vote often. Let's face it, if you were a polling station clerk would you know any different if the same Chinese people each voted two or three times in the same day? No, neither would I. Fianna Fáil will be doing it next, just you wait and see.

... and I bet you didn't know that I used to go out with a Chinese girl when I was at university? Strange but true. The relationship didn't last long though - I asked her for a 69 and she told me to cook it myself.

On the hustings...

I love elections. In the Occupied Six Counties/This Here Pravince, we see them more often than that tedious wee bollix Jamie Oliver; everytime I turn the TV on, he's greeting me with his cheeky-chappy Cockney chatter and telling me what I shouldn't eat. Fuck off you ballbag.

Anyway, we're have another election on 7th March and this is gonna be the mother of all elections, apparently. So to inject a bit more fun into the proceedings, I think the politicos should do more to reach out to the general public. And this is how I think it could be done.

1) Bring back the Broadcasting Ban. We could have someone doing an overdub of Daffy Duck's voice when Gerry Adams speaks.

2) Have Mary McAleese do a sponsored run through Sandy Row wearing a T-Shirt emblazoned with the slogan 'Seig Heil, you Orange bastards'. First UDA member to bring her down with a brick to the back of the head wins a complimentary round of golf and cocaine at the K-Club with her Martin.

3) Forget 'Hearts and Minds' and 'Prime Time'. Michelle Gildernew and Iris Robinson in a Celebrity Death Match fixture. Now that would be worth watching.

4) Kerry Shinner Teresa Ferris to do a 'one-night only' appearance on Red Hot Wives with Reg Empey. Show us yer cumface, Reg!

5) Nigel Dodds has to speak with a lisp.

6) Martin McGuinness is not allowed to use the words 'move the situation/process forward' in any order during the election campaign. He'd be fucked then.

7) Mark Durkan must make all his public appearances looking like Father Jack.

8) Paul Berry must canvass dressed up as the cop from the Village People and MUST be accompanied by a construction worker and a red Indian.

...but my favourite part of elections? All the election literature they put through your door. Keeps me going in roach material for weeks.