On the hustings...

I love elections. In the Occupied Six Counties/This Here Pravince, we see them more often than that tedious wee bollix Jamie Oliver; everytime I turn the TV on, he's greeting me with his cheeky-chappy Cockney chatter and telling me what I shouldn't eat. Fuck off you ballbag.

Anyway, we're have another election on 7th March and this is gonna be the mother of all elections, apparently. So to inject a bit more fun into the proceedings, I think the politicos should do more to reach out to the general public. And this is how I think it could be done.

1) Bring back the Broadcasting Ban. We could have someone doing an overdub of Daffy Duck's voice when Gerry Adams speaks.

2) Have Mary McAleese do a sponsored run through Sandy Row wearing a T-Shirt emblazoned with the slogan 'Seig Heil, you Orange bastards'. First UDA member to bring her down with a brick to the back of the head wins a complimentary round of golf and cocaine at the K-Club with her Martin.

3) Forget 'Hearts and Minds' and 'Prime Time'. Michelle Gildernew and Iris Robinson in a Celebrity Death Match fixture. Now that would be worth watching.

4) Kerry Shinner Teresa Ferris to do a 'one-night only' appearance on Red Hot Wives with Reg Empey. Show us yer cumface, Reg!

5) Nigel Dodds has to speak with a lisp.

6) Martin McGuinness is not allowed to use the words 'move the situation/process forward' in any order during the election campaign. He'd be fucked then.

7) Mark Durkan must make all his public appearances looking like Father Jack.

8) Paul Berry must canvass dressed up as the cop from the Village People and MUST be accompanied by a construction worker and a red Indian.

...but my favourite part of elections? All the election literature they put through your door. Keeps me going in roach material for weeks.